THE PAINTED LEAD KNIGHTS OF AGINCOURT....LOCKED AND LOADED..OVER SIX CENTURIES AGO......

Having seen the 1952 "IVANHOE" movie and read the Illustrated Classics condensation...for kids.....version......for my 10th birthday, my Aunt Louise sent me a set of painted lead 'knights'.....that became my very favorite 'toys'.....I still have a couple of them.........Thus, began my wearing....whenever I could.....capes, swords, daggers, tunics and leggings......Now, I'm still a fan of romantic "Forged In Fire" creations......if, hardly, one of men, donning a couple of hundred pounds of iron, straddling some poor, weighed-down horses, lugging around 600 extra pounds of humans' defensive aggressiveness...posing as 'Chivalry'...Sir Hugh De Bracy, having escaped the recaptured castle of Front de Beouf who, unchivalrously, was using Lady Rowena as a shield, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe arrives just in time to defeat De Bracy and save her. Or....'so' Sir Walter would have us fantasize......Perhaps, a 'damsel in distress' is just another excuse for men murdering one another....

WELL, SO MUCH FOR 'BOOKS & HUBBARD'S TEXTBOOK ON COMPOSITION AND RHETORIC.......

 

SHANE GILLIS MONOLOGUE ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, YESTERDAY EVENING.........

Fall's in the air........I wore my favorite black and tan narrow wale cords.......I love their unfashionality....

 

The 'right' luggage will facilitate getting you through L.A.' Airport's security checkpoints.....as quickly as possible.....

just pack a sealed plastic bag. containing a raw Cornish game hen under the zipper...atop your couple of keys...also in an airtight bag.  

THE 'HALLOWEEN' TREAT DISPENSER...FOR THOSE TINY, SUGAR-COATED DELTA-9 'GUMMIE' TREATS

                      Please utilize the supplied serving tongs, Tricksters!  and, just One! ....{at a time,  that is....}

Most Americans have or want guns........a half a billion guns are already locked and loaded for the 'kill'.....

 Presumably, to 'protect themselves'....

often, from 'themselves'.... Here's the firearm for 'that'...

The Official Plague Doctor's prescription device for booger-pulling and ear wax removal......which will 'triple' as a 'dinner ring' to wear when eating stabbable 'finger foods'...

Unattended AI Generative Ambient Meditation to calm overstimulated circuitry, at the risk of Boredom and Ennui...

some less tertiary colors to mask the melancholic palate of my Casa....although, I am reminded of a pre-schoolers crayon colors.....

THE 'RAY MILLAND' SMOKING JACKET......AFTER HANGING THE COTTON TERRYCLOTH 'BATH ROBE' ON A HOOK, TO DRY.....

I've outlived Ray Milland, but not his black satin-lapelled 'smoking jacket' from the Golden Age of Menswear.....that has always conjured images from hallucinogenic SPELLBOUND more than drunken LOST WEEKEND......the ashes of The Past just tumble over the slick satin, over the precious fabrics beneath....back to Earth...or the woolen carpets upon which the civilized sophisticates perambulate....

IF THREE OR FOUR CAMERAS ON YOUR IPHONE ARE, STILL, NOT ENOUGH.....

 

SHELL OUT EVEN MORE MOOLAH AND GET THE 'ALL-SEEING/ALL-KNOWING'  CRONENBERG 'SNOOP DOGG' MODEL, DESIGNED IN CANADA...WITH "AMERICANS IN MIND".   DON'T DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT, PEEPS......IT'S JUST SHINY CHINESE POLYMERS OVER MICRO-ELECTRONIC CIRCUITRY...COLD TO THE TOUCH.....BUT HOT TO GATHER DATA RELINQUISHED TO THE EVER-SEEKING EYES OF COMPUTER BANKS......

Lick it.....Lick it 'good'....big boy....Well, "thank you, Frank Epperson"

"BE THAT WAY, YOU POPSICLE-SUCKING BOWLCUTS......I'LL WAIT FOR JOE LOWE'S ORANGE CREAMSICLES....THIS PANTYWAIST CAN  HEAR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK'S HORN...RIGHT NOW...."  

"LOOK, JOE!......THAT HICK COWBOY MUST NOT KNOW THAT ONE MUST WEAR A PROPER FUR FELT TOP HAT TO THE BIG PARTY AT THE SALOON...."

                                          

                  "JUST ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW HIM...AT ALL!   AND, GET YOUR DIRTY BOOT OFF MY TULLE....YOU'LL RIP IT!"  

    JOE, IN RESPONSE,  REMOVES A PHOTO FROM HIS WALLET AND FLASHES IT IN HER FACE....DECLARING, "YOU DON'T KNOW EVERTHING ABOUT 'US'!  THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HAT, BITCH!"   

THE EDIBLE FRENCH PASTRY 'CLARINET' aka Pain Aux Raisins aka The Uncoiled 'comma coil' Escargot Viennoiserie

                                                             Boulangerie vs. Pâtisserie

 THE 'WIDE ONE'.....BAKED DRIER, THEN SOAKED WITH CONTREAU AND THE JUICES FROM A CRANBERRY  RELISH WITH STICK CINNAMON, PEARS, APRICOTS AND COCOANUT......

'THE DRINKING BIRD' ....JUST AN AMUSEMENT TOY?.....or......A CHEMISTRY & PHYSICS LESSON VIA SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATION?

1. The water evaporates from the felt on the head.
2. Evaporation lowers the temperature of the glass head (heat of vaporization).
3. The temperature decrease causes some of the dichloromethane vapor in the head to condense.
4. The lower temperature and condensation together cause the pressure to drop in the head (governed by equations of state).
5. The higher vapor pressure in the warmer base pushes the liquid up the neck.
6. As the liquid rises, the bird becomes top heavy and tips over.
7. When the bird tips over, the bottom end of the neck tube rises above the surface of the liquid in the bottom bulb.
8. A bubble of warm vapor rises up the tube through this gap, displacing liquid as it goes.
9. Liquid flows back to the bottom bulb (the toy is designed so that when it has tipped over the neck's tilt allows this). Pressure equalizes between top and bottom bulbs.
10. The weight of the liquid in the bottom bulb restores the bird to its vertical position.

YACINE KHAROBI......IS ANYTHING 'REAL' ANYMORE?

my conceptual 'instruments' drawn in Soest Holland, 50 years ago........

 

Edith Massey, Vintage Clothier...on the Thrifty Side of Baltimore.....aka Queen Carlotta, The Egg Lady and Subversive Baltimore Dreamlander

                THE QUEEN OF FELLS POINT...... 

WHOLESALE SUPPLIER OF BLACK LEATHER JACKETS FOR LOCAL FAG HAGS AND BUTCH DOLLS.....

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, HEIDI KLUM.....FOR THAT BUSTY BLACK, SHOESTRING-LACED GETUP, FEATURED IN THE PHOTO ABOVE......AND YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE FOR THAT MUUMUU, MAMA CASS....  MAYBE, YOU SHOULD KEPT $12 FROM YOUR DRUGS BUDGET INSTEAD OF DREAMING A LITTLE DREAM WITH THAT NEEDLE UP YOUR VEIN....."Well, Rah sha sha" FROM CUDDLES KOVINSKY.....THOSE TRIPLE-A  SHOES WERE WAAY  TOO TIGHT, ANYWAY!   

PUT  HARD-BOILED EGGS IN THEIR HEEL CUPS, GIRL! 

VAMPIRE BAT BOTTLE OPENER......

 

From mind Chaos, via Explosiveness, to Static Wall Art with Token Memory..

.

.for some blah blap crap to print on a wall card at a Kindergartener's supercilious Art Show.. Candy Crayons and Kool-Aid will be served to patrons, in exchange for their tickets-of-admission, which will be summarily shredded and made into glued-paper art, then sold back to them.......facsimile hammers and nails will be provided to provide the pretentiousnes of hanging this "art"...or, blow torches for the Banksyites.....who may exit through the giftshop with Shepard Fairey, carrying the ashes of 

Marshall McLuhan, preserved in a mayonnaise jar.....in melted crayon wax...

OVER A CENTURY AGO, THIS ONE-WHEELED MOTORCYCLE ACHIEVED SPEEDS OF OVER 90MPH.....

         "BACK WHEN" MEN CYCLED WITH THEIR STETSON'S 'ON'....LIKE 'REAL COWBOYS'...OR....SHOULD ONE CALL THIS FELLOW A 'BUCKING BRONCO'.....OR, MAYBE, THE ORIGINAL CONCEPTUALIZATION FOR  THE HULA HOOP?

                                      BEFORE THE MECHANICAL FOOT CRANKING...WAY BEFORE THE GASOLINE ENGINE,  CENTURIES BEFORE, GUYS WERE FINDING WAYS TO UTILIZE 'THE WHEEL'....       

MY STEP-FATHER, TOM, IN A MOMENT OF SPONTANEOUS GENEROSITY.......

                   GAVE ME ONE OF HIS MANY SHEAFFER SNORKEL PENS AND A BOTTLE OF PERMANENT INDIA INK.  (SOURCING FOR MY FIRST SPILLED 'INK BLOT' CREATIONS, INCIDENTALLY)   I WAS, ALREADY,  A 'SCRIPTO' MECHANICAL PENCIL-USING LAD WHO HAD JUST BEGUN TO UTILIZE AN EARLIER GIFT...MY WATERMAN PEN THAT HAD REPLACED AN EVEN EARLIER PEN WITH A CRACKED & LEAKING GLASS INK CARTRIDGE.....AFTER I COMPLAINED ABOUT THOSE 'BALL POINT' PENS' BALLS GETTING CLOGGED WITH THE THICK INK, REQUIRING A LIT MATCH AND A DUNKING IN  WATER/ALCOHOL   TO GET THEM FLOWING ONCE MORE.....FRUSTRATINGLY, I KEPT ANOTHER ANTIQUE GLASS  'INKWELL' OF WARM WATER TO UNCLOG THE NEWER WRITING DEVICE.....TODAY, I MUST HAVE AT LEAST 50 DIFFERING INK DELIVERY INSTRUMENTS, INCLUDING ROLLER BALLS, FELT TIPS, QUILL PENS WITH VARIOUS METAL TIPS.....BUT, AS MUCH AS I ENJOY CALLIGRAPHIC "WRITING"....HERE, I SIT, TYPING ON AN ELECTRONIC KEYBOARD!         

ALEC BALDWIN, DURING HIS EARLY DAYS.......TRYING OUT FOR THE 'BEFORE PHOTO' IN A "NAIR" DEPILATORY CREAM ADVERTISEMENT

CULLING ALL THIS DENSE CHEST FUR WOULD HAVE TAKEN A CASE OF "NAIR"

HE'D HAVE BEEN A SHOE-IN FOR THE ROLE OF 'LIONEL SWEENEY'...

HOWEVER, THAT 'HAIRY ROLE' WENT TO ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

LOAD 'EM UP, NOAH......FOR THAT INCESTUOUS OCEAN VACATION, FOLLOWED BY A ROMP ALL OVER THE NEW WORLD...

 YOUR  VACATION, WITH  FREE  FOOD  AND  LODGINGS,  IS  OVER....   NOW,  'GET  OUT  THERE... AND  MULTIPLY'   ....AFTER  THAT,  YOU  MAY  BEGIN  YOUR  'DIVISION'    

          

CENTURIES LATER, THE HOMO SAPIENS THAT  EVOLVE FROM THE TWO RELATIVELY HUMAN SURVIVORS OF THIS TRIP WILL, EVENTUALLY...THROUGH ELABORATE CROSS-BREEDING....CREATE ART, DEPICTING THIS HOMERIAN SAGA...

                   BON VOYAGE, YE SOLE SURVIVORS....NEXT STOP....PLYMOUTH ROCK, WHERE A LAVA FLOW IS PREDICTED TO EMERGE, SOON!  ....CALL A LOCAL TRAVEL AGENT FOR DETAILS AND SPECIAL DISCOUNTS...JUST FOR YOU...[AND COMPLIMENTARY PASSAGE FOR EXPERIENCED 'FIRE WALKERS']!  [ADDITIONAL CHARGES MAY APPLY]   TRAVEL VIA WOODEN HORSE IS NOT SUGGESTED, DUE TO A THREAT OF  'FIRE HAZARD'

I've complained about American's preoccupation with guns and rights to "personal defense".......yet....i just recalled my having collecting art deco/Flash Gordonish ray-guns as a child......however, the old 'make believe' toys didn't seem as formidably life-threatening.....

 

              No, Ted!......That's not what I'm talking about, you dolt!

 I'm 'talking about' this!   A KID NEEDS A 'SHAKESPEARE WONDERCAST STUNRAY GUN'                                                TO WARD OFF EVEN THE MOST IMPOTENTIAL ATTACKERS, DOESN'T HE?   

The "MYSTERY OBJECT"

                    A gift to me, from my old friend, John Ross West, 4 decades ago......I am, still, not certain of it's original purpose.......It is, I think, a very ancient iron 'Viking' gate(?) lock, perhaps.....the 'key' to which is stuck within the lock.....

AS TRIBUTE TO THE YEARS THAT WE'VE ENDURED ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S SHIT.......

I think I'll have this 3 kilo Jurassic Era coprolite specimen (petrified dinosaur dung) mounted on a base with a label: 'souvenir of Donald Trump's most significant contribution to American Culture'......the 'odor' may be gone....yet....we will never forget this piece of sh&t.......like some childhood nightmares....the Ogre, hiding beneath the bed or Count Alucard, lurking in the closet.. All the 'graininess' will represent the many jars of chunky peanut butter that Donny has consumed........

AS GOLLUM LOOKS BACK INTO IT'S CAVE BUT TRIPS FORWARD INTO THE VOLCANO, ERUPTING WITHIN THE CHASM BETWEEN CAIN AND ABEL...

 

cleaning the "Gollum' sculpture, today, I moved some old picture frames....to discover a big poster for the French Film, Fantastic Planet, and a pair of fake fish to complement Sméagol's 'catch'..as it falls into the Crack Of Doom, with the golden ring, a metaphorical gift to its monstrous cousin, Grendal......

Keeping the 'bidding card' in my lap for these fanciful goblets

I was....just a 'little'......tempted, to purchase this Set of 3 Antique Fritz Heckert Art Nouveau/Jugenstil Glass Goblets.....But reconsidered, because I'm trying to 'wind down' this Collecting........ and...I already have a set of Frederick Carder goblets, once owned by my one-time landlady, Alma B. Wells, that can service my dining appurtenances requirement, now......and have more sentimental value....A good friend attended Alma B. Wells' Estate Sale, in the early 1970's, bid on and won the auction of the glasses, then gifted them to me for X'mas...Alma's husband Bert, a chemist with the Chemical Control Dept. of COCA COLA, presented a 'paper' ....in the summer of 1942....about the establishment of 'water quality control' for the popular soft drink....He was, subsequently,  one of the few men that 'knew the secret formula'....His wife, Alma, delighted with all their new-found-wealth....served 'coke' from these lovely goblets at one of her 'society parties'....I prefer Dr. Pepper and Pepsi, alas....sorry about that, Alma! sparkling ginger ale is far more beautiful, when served in the goblets, of course....with a a coupe of splashs of Angostura Aromatic Bitters....and a cherry on a toothpick.....Although I did not support "COKE", Alma left a Proviso in her Last Will and Testament......that included me within her list of 'Inheritors", after having replaced late 30's year-old Bill Ellis, with whom she had been infatuated, earlier.  He left Atlanta, to avoid Alma's fixated romantic advances toward him,  and moved to Hilton Head, leaving me to dwell..with Bill Mello and John W. Lowe, in her Garden Hills rental home, to wrangle Alma, who had replaced Bill Ellis with Me!.   With some fond amusement and nostalgia, I still...sometimes, salute  Bert and Alma, when imbibing from the old goblets.....

WALLY CLEAVER PROMOTES THE DAILY USE OF HAIR-CARE PRODUCTS......JOHNNY SUEDE HAD 'NOTHIN' ON THIS GREASY POMPADOUR

    OR, SO CLAIMED TONY, DECADES LATER.......

SPEED YOUR WAY THROUGH CUSTOMS INSPECTION ....QUICKLY BOARD AND EXIT PLANES AND TRAINS....WITH OUR NEW SUITCASE.....

 

                                               AS WELL AS KEEP YOUR BEER COLD... 

                                            AND YOUR ICED CREAM FROM MELTING

In 1956, this 45rpm 'record player' was utilized by my Ballroom Dancing teacher, Miss Irene Jones, to stack and play Xavier Cugat's rumba records.....

        Parents complained about their 'innocent' children being led down a path

          of debauchery and pre-mature Sexuality, leading to a worried parent cutting

         the a/c plug of Miss Irene's  turntable/player, then breaking one of my favorite recordings, 

                                  "Miami Beach Rhumba".           

None of that 'hip-grinding', kids!.....  Jumpin' Jacks is O.K and sanctioned by the Christian Community...  but, be careful...all that jumping may cause the record to 'skip'.....

                               Beaver Cleaver will show you all how 'it' is done!     

Tuck that 'thing' and lock hips, kids.....it's gonna be a clumbsy, unsanctioned, anticipatory wait for those back seat rumbas....to come! A big orchid corsage should, until then, help 'keep the distance'....